Plans Change
Learning How to go With the Flow
Plans Change
Go With The Flow
I’m usually someone that doesn’t like a change in her routine. I would joke that I needed to plan ahead to “go with the flow.” I always had a Plan A and a Plan B for the “just in case.” I was always well prepared for anything, be it a test, term paper, an event that I had organized at work, a conference I would attend or be the organizer of… it didn’t matter what the task at hand was, I was ready. It wasn’t as if I was unbendable and not willing to be flexible, but I just liked knowing what the plan was and following through.
My plan yesterday was to upload something that I wrote about daily affirmations and being worth fighting for. I even had some pictures to go along with the writing. But that never happened. I came home after dropping my children off at day camp and checked my email. I read through two emails; one from a recruiter saying that he had sent my resume to two of his clients, but both passed on meeting with me. The second email was from another recruiter telling me that she was working hard, but only had offers for me with salaries for less than half of what I have been making in the past few years. I know starting over means adjusting and understanding that I was not the one calling the shots, (The Man Upstairs is ALWAYS in charge.) I am more than willing to compromise, but the positions and salary were more for someone who had been working for a few years, not twenty years! I thanked her and asked her to keep looking for a position that can “utilize my experience and skill set.” I then sent out my resume to a position that I had read about on a job board and sat staring at my computer.
I heard some noise outside and because I have now become “that neighbor” that goes to the window or steps outside when I hear a “ruckus,” I assumed my usual position on my front stoop to see what was happening. Seems that the couple down the block with a baby had moved out because there was a small Ryder truck and a couple of college looking students moving furniture into the apartment, the couple used to live in. I stood there watching for a short bit of time. I was finding it amusing watching them try to navigate a large leather loveseat through the narrow front door and hearing the calls to each other and grunts of them trying to maneuver the love seat upstairs and into the apartment which called for making a very sharp turn at the top of the steps with no room to “pivot!”
When I headed back into my apartment. I looked around and saw some toys on the floor from when my kids were playing this morning. As I put them away, I looked my mural/ drawing on my wall that I had put up during the height of the pandemic; a huge rainbow ending at a pot of gold, with stars glittering the sky all labelled with our names. I looked around my apartment and while I saw all the love that it held. I also saw how small it was for a family of four. Cubbies of toys in every corner. Books spilling out of the book box, two Amazon boxes in a corner of the kitchen ready to be broken down so we won’t get a ticket from the sanitation department when they come around inspecting our recycling garbage, laundry on the couch waiting to be folded—not anything out of the ordinary. It really looked like any other apartment. But this was my apartment. My small, cramped apartment where we had no more room for anything an began storing things in my fathers house, 2 blocks away. His basement is beginning to resemble a warehouse, full of boxes, huge containers of old clothes, the Bosch I didn’t have room for on my kitchen counter, old walking toys my kids had needed….
I looked around now and felt the darkness start to spread over me. I was still in a “starter apartment,” one that is great for a couple of college kids, a married couple or a young family. My husband and I are in our forties, married for almost 10 years with two wonderful children (k”h) but at that moment. I wasn’t able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We had started house hunting in the Spring. We need to move for many reasons. We settled on a community, began looking at houses, even went so far as to having meetings with the principals of schools that my daughter may attend (like I said, I like to plan and be prepared)…But all of that came to a screeching halt when my supervisor told me, “What you just told me, convinces me that I’m making the right decision. Yes, to answer your question, this is an Exit Meeting.” EXCUSE ME? What I had just told you about the work I’ve accomplished this past year, and what we have to work on this year and the challenges facing the organization told you that you should fire me. “Yes.” I don’t have to remind you of what else was said, “You did everything we asked of you…. When did you sleep?...Didn’t you pick up on any of the hints I had been dropping for you to resign… This was the easiest exit meeting I’ve ever had because I have nothing to fight or argue with you about.”
At that moment, my world froze and has yet to unfreeze. I deleted the Zillow app from my phone that weekend. I cancelled a few orders from websites I had placed and for the orders that couldn’t be cancelled, I sent back without even opening the package. I started cutting down my grocery order to what we needed and not necessarily what we wanted. I included a treat or two for my kids, but off the list went my husbands’ favorite cookies, the flavored creamer for my coffee, I cancelled my standing manicure appointment… We couldn’t afford to spend money like we had been. We had to ensure that we had enough for the necessities, the rent, car lease, electricity bill… We have money in savings that we were hoping to put towards a house, but now needing to live on a daily basis took precedent.
The darkness fell over me like a heavy blanket.. I recalled the two emails I had just read from recruiters, heard the college students joking around outside while moving into an apartment that a young family had just vacated (for a condo? House? Make Aliyah? I didn’t know.) And then it hit me; I will be living in this apartment for the foreseeable future. My family will not be moving to another community. My daughter will not have her own room, that she didn’t have to share with her younger brother, for at least another year, possibly two. Instead of having my second phone conference at this hour of the morning, I was putting away toys with no plans for the day except what to cook for dinner.
I walked into my bedroom, replaced my clothes with pajamas and got back into the freshly made bed and stayed there for the next five hours. I slept for most of that time. I didn’t answer any calls or texts (except to tell my husband how I was feeling) or check emails in case a recruiter had gotten back to me. I looked around my room and wondered how my life had turned on a dime? How had this happened? One moment I was earning a more than decent salary and the next I was driving home in a haze and when I got home, I sat on the couch asking, “Did this really just happen?” While I cancelled orders and cut out extras from the grocery list, I sent out my resume and cover letter to five recruiters in the days following my termination. I called friends and acquaintances and told them that I was looking for a new job but could not bring myself to tell them that I had been terminated, let go, laid off…FIRED I was fired. It was a harsh word and I feel it’s appropriate for what happened and in the way it happened.
But I also thought I’d bounce back quickly. I had nearly two decades of impressive work and positions that would help open doors for me. I thought I’d be out of a job for a couple of weeks, maybe three or so, until I got the second or third call back or was even hired. I remained positive, but still not telling many friends or any family besides my father and sister of what had happened. But here I was seven and a half weeks into it and not one call back. I was just told that “clients” didn’t even want to meet with me after reading my resume, I was being offered jobs I was overqualified for, and I was collecting Unemployment and would soon be on Medicaid.
What had happened to my life? How did this happen? I allowed myself the pity party that I had yet to have. Yes, I had wallowed in my situation for a few minutes here and there, but then I picked myself up and moved on. I couldn’t move on anymore. Even smiling seemed like an exhausting action. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. So that’s what I did.
My plans for the day changed. I didn’t post anything positive. I lay in bed, slept, cried and then got it all together (by force) in order to pick up my children from day camp. I acted and sounded like “Mommy” until the kids went to bed and then I lapsed into silence again. The four hours of play time with the kids had literally exhausted me physically and emotionally. My husband knew “it” had gotten to me. He told me to take time and process it, “let it sink in.” What was done to me wasn’t anything unique, plenty of people are terminated from employment—but it was the way that it was done that I and my husband couldn’t get over.
Up until two hours before the meeting where my life had shockingly changed, I had been receiving emails and posts about what to work on next. An email that I had been anxiously awaiting because it needed to be edited was sent to me from my supervisor as I was leaving my apartment for the meeting. It had to be sent to summer staff ASAP, it had instructions on what they were responsible for, how to clock in…. I had sent the email to him a week earlier, but he had not looked at it. How do I know? Because two days prior he had asked me if an email was sent to new summer employees. I told him that I had sent him the email draft as per his request, but was waiting for his response. He told me he had not checked his email yet--- in 3 days. He is a businessman, he has started and sold 2 businesses and is a consultant with a third business. I know this because he constantly told me this. So I did not for one second believe he did not check his email for days. Yes, he had checked his email account, just not the emails I had sent to him. This was indicative of his behavior because several times throughout the year he had asked for a report or an update and I would reply, “I emailed it a couple of days ago.” His response was always, “Hmmm. I’ll check. But just send it again.” I always did knowing he had either not looked at it or deleted it. Point is, I was getting emails and asked to do work on the day I was going to get fired. So when he said, “You didn’t pick up on any of the hints to resign?” I wanted to say “When? This morning you were sending me things to do!”
But I digress. I don’t want to go down that wormhole again…… I let the grief and shock of what my life is like now take over my body yesterday. I had a chance to absorb it all and the impact was deep and hurt. So yes, my plans changed. Even when I am trying to be positive, real emotions can pop up and knock you out. But that’s fine.
I did what my body needed. I took time. I rested. It was the first time I had really rested for over a year. I had no deadline to meet, no Zoom conference to go to, no ideas to think of…. I just slept and cried the day away.
Today is a new day. Dunkin Donuts started selling Pumpkin Spice lattes again. If that’s not a sign from Hashem that things are beginning to look up, then I don’t know what is.I recited my daily affirmations as I was making coffee this morning and deciding what to dress my children in.
Lesson to be learned—Let yourself feel. Don’t push your emotions into a little ball and stuff them into your back pocket, like I wrote about, because the back pocket can only take too much. Yesterday my back pocket ripped, and I was swarmed, inundated and nearly drowned from emotions and feelings that I pushed to the side. I was trying to soldier on and find a new career before I mourned the one I had lost. But that’s ok. I’m ok. And you’ll be okay too. Thankfully I had my husband to talk with when I was in the mood to talk. If you don’t have a loved one to speak with, email me. I’ll be an ear for you. I am not 100% better today, but I am getting there. One foot in front of the other. And remember, you may have a plan, but G-d has another one for you and sometimes you just need to adjust your plans accordingly.
I will keep standing tall and so should you,
M.C Phillips