Control Your Confidence
Don't give others the power to take away what's yours
“Don’t rely on others for your confidence.”
M.C Phillips
The above statement is what I began telling myself mid-summer.
I have relied on someone for something my ENTIRE life. I’m not saying that’s bad. I’m just saying it’s no one’s fault why I have anxiety about being on my own or without something to do of late and then making decisions about which path I’d like my life to take now. I lived in my parents’ house until I was married. My parents helped me through all my major decisions in life. They didn’t make the decision for me, but I used them as a sounded board, and they played “Devil’s Advocate” at times. Now that I’m married, I talk through decisions with my husband. I’m used to having the cushion and comfort of that support. So, it would only make sense that now, when I am entering a new phase of my life, I want that sounding board and support. The difference now is these decisions and the path I now take will affect my life, my husbands’ and children. This time, if I don’t make the correct one, my parents won’t be there to pick me up and say “It’s ok. You’re young and will learn as you go.” And my husband’s love won’t be enough so that I won’t feel like a fool if take the wrong path or make a decision that leads me (and thereby us) to a place that I feel is worse than the one we are currently in--- which is not bad, but just one that I never thought I’d be in.
Yes, it’s months later and sometimes it suddenly hits me; I don’t have a job. This has impacted my family financially, emotionally and every other way you can imagine. I lost a part of myself the day my boss terminated my employment. I started to question everything I knew or thought I knew about people and situations wondering if I was off base and blind to what reality was. I’ve always been upbeat and optimistic. I always put a bow and a silver lining on things. Yes, my world is full of sunshine and roses as well as Disney Princesses. But hearing someone I thought I worked closely with say that he had been hinting for months that I should resign, really made me sit back and think that I may be book smart, but people dumb. Was I the last guest at the party who didn’t get the hint the party was over until I was literally thrown out? I’m a Social Worker! Social work studies people/ societies behavior…. And I couldn’t see things “weren’t working out,” until I was literally told “things aren’t working out…” How good of a social worker could I be? My new situation made me question everything and I began doubting myself and my decision-making skills. I lost my optimistic side and began feeling less competent.
Just like I can’t blame my parents or husband for helping and supporting me in my decision making, I couldn’t let my former boss(es) let me feel as if I was less than what I was. Yes, some mean things were said, the delivery could have been better. And in my opinion much of what was said that day to me was subjective, from the boss’s point of view, but how can I let him make me feel as if I now must ask others for help because I could NOT decide because my confidence was lost? My confidence left me. I’m sorry if it sounds confusing but think about it. I relied on my parents and husband for support, to be the sounding board when making major decisions and now I blamed my former boss for making me question any future decision I would make. It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t blame anyone for how I felt but me.
Stuart Smalley, the character on SNL came to mind. Stuarts’ voice would play in my mind. “I’m good enough and I’m smart enough. I’m good enough and I’m smart enough…” I can’t control the people liking me part, but that doesn’t bother me. I don’t need to please and be loved by all. I had to continue to tell myself I’m good enough and smart enough. While walking into or clicking in for a Zoom interview the words of Stuart Smalley would be what I would say over and over. I used to listen to songs to rev me up for an interview or meeting to get me in the mood to “knock it out of the park,” which I normally did. But now I wasn’t even sure I belonged in the stadium if what my former boss said was true. I had to work very hard to believe those words again, that I AM good enough and I AM smart enough—and even in some situations, I am better than good and smart enough; I’m overqualified and they should be lucky to have someone like me working in their organization!
The responsibility of believing in myself was mine. I couldn’t look to others to give me back the confidence I lost. And I lost it. I didn’t let anyone take it away from me. I let dark thoughts creep in and they soon overtook me. It got so that I wasn’t sure about issues that I have had no issues with before; being fearless Mommy, ever present and dutiful daughter, Superwife… I would think, “well anyone can do this…” or “this doesn’t make me so special…” When I would go about doing something I wouldn’t do it with my normal spark and pizzaz. The spark and pizzaz are roommates with confidence. If I lost one, the other two weren’t present either. I needed to get back to myself and put the spark back in what I do. Because I AM THE ONE THAT HAS CONFIDENCE AND SELF ESTEEM AND SPARKLE OOZING OUT OF MY PORES.
How do I go about getting my groove back?
What I did was, try new things. I didn’t rely on the tried-and-true reliable things that I knew how to do. I needed to try new things, succeed in doing them (or at least have fun trying) in order to believe in myself and to get my confidence back. I started experimenting with food, new dinner entrees started appearing on my family’s plates—and they were loving it. I tried painting and loved it. After a few classes I improved and I found it to be soooo relaxing. I accompanied my daughter on a small rollercoaster (very small one because she is 5.) I have a hatred of rollercoasters because I do not like the feeling of “Oh G-d, I’m going to die!” which is what I felt the one and only time I rode an actual roller coaster. But I rode a child’s rollercoaster and not only survived but enjoyed it! I wore a pair of sunglasses that my sister, daughter, and husband said I looked ridiculous in (think big Elton John sunglasses) and I wore them proudly because I liked them!
You all may think that all of this isn’t a big deal, and you’re right. But add up four small deals and it all equals one BIG DEAL. I was getting my confidence back. I wouldn’t try something new every day because some days I forgot, some days I was busy with the kids, then it was always a yom tov. I can proudly say that I type this as a restored person. I got my confidence and independence back by myself. I put myself out there. I stepped out of my comfort zone. And yes, there were some things that I attempted that didn’t turn out as successful as I would have thought, but like I tell my children, “I had fun and that’s really all that counts.”
My head is now held as high as it was in the beginning of the summer before that fateful day. My waist is thinner than it was on that day. My confidence and decision-making senses have returned in full force and I no longer feel reliant on others to point me in the right direction. Friends and family can only support you and hold you up for so long. It is every single person sole responsibility to believe in themselves and project confidence if they are ever going to feel strong and empowered to think and act independently from the herd, from the mob…
I have gone on enough about this. But if I wanted to sum it all up, look at my quote at the top of this entry; “Don’t rely on others for your confidence.” Like Stella, I got my groove back all on my own because I made the mistake of letting people have too much control over me.
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Keep standing tall,
M.C Phillips