Begin the New Year With the Right Step

I never made a New Years Resolution. I don’t believe in that. If I wanted to change something about myself, I wouldn’t wait until the new year. I’d make the changes necessary right away. I’m like that in all I do. I get an idea and I act on it. Some people would call it impulsive, but I don’t. I’m a “doer.” I want to do something so I get it done. Why put it off for tomorrow if it can be done today? No time like the present.

But I’m finding that some things are harder to do than others. My intent is still there, my passion as well, but depending on what I want to change or do; it may take longer for the idea to formulate into something solid and for the train to get on over the hill. I think of myself as the Little Engine That Could. I’m not joking. I get an idea, think about how to make it a reality (I think I can, I think I can) and then I begin doing it and don’t stop until it’s done (I did it! I did it!)

Take this Substack platform. I wanted and needed to help people who once felt like me; bullied and abused at work yet trapped at the same time. For whatever the reason I was unable to change the trajectory of how things were going- where they were headed. I was looking for a new job, but hadn’t found one and I couldn’t just quit/ resign because I had bills to pay; rent, car, groceries, electricity, school tuition… So I had to keep heading into a job that I didn’t like anymore with bosses I didn’t want to see much less speak to because that’s what you do as an adult. You suck it up and get the job done until an opportunity presents itself where you can jump ship. Yeah, being an adult is the worst. I couldn’t run from responsibilities. It’s not in my make up. So everyday on the way into work, I’d play songs cranking the volume up in my car until my car vibrated, until people in other cars stopped at red lights wondering if I was hard of hearing because why else would this perfectly sane, normal woman be driving with music literally pumping out of the windows. “Obviously she’s half deaf.” Nope. I was Michael Phelps listening to my play list before a swim race. I was pouring courage, attitude, shine, sparkle and whatever makes me uniquely me into me on the way to work, so I can stay me and not let anyone have the power to make me feel less than what I know I am.

Who am I? I am the sister who stayed with her sister weekend after weekend, surgery after surgery waking up from the anguished painful screams of my sister— I was there holding her through the pain… I am the daughter that had the Labor and Delivery nurse call and leave a message on the answering machine for my father one Shabbos soon after my mother died instructing my father where to find the food for Shabbos lunch and how to prepare it bc I wasn’t there to do it bc I was in the hospital giving birth…. I was the best aunt and mother than most because of what I was willing to do and have done for my nieces, nephews and children without batting an eyelash where others would say, “I’m not doing that.”…. I was the daughter of David and Phyllis who raised their daughter to do everything the right way and win, lose or draw, smile and be gracious through it all. I WAS M.C PHILLIPS AND I WOULDN’T LET ANYONE TAKE AWAY MY SMILE OR SPARK OR WHAT MADE ME, ME. Not an irritated co-worker or a spoiled selfish boss. So I pumped myself up bc sometimes even champions need a little kick in the pants to give them the power to shine. And I shine every day, and no matter how hard someone would try to put out my shine, I’d grow brighter and brighter.

But it’s hard to make shining seem easy when others are out to dim you. So when I’d be too exhausted to even smile, I’d take the time to recharge. If I didn’t take care of me, how would I be able to shine and show others they count and they matter too? I only want to share my sparkle— much like Tinkerbell sprinkling her fairy dust on others to help them fly.

But sometimes it’s Hashem that made me stop and think. Sometimes it wasn’t what a boss or coworker did that made me slip and take a minute to recover. Yes, even what a boss or coworker does is from Hashem, but sometimes the message was directly from Hashem, my sisters illness, my mothers death… and there is no song from the 80’s to pump m up and to set me back on my feet after that. Sometimes it takes time, a few days, a few weeks to get my sparkle back. But then I know Hashem is telling me that I can get through this to the other side and even if I think it’s too much to handle all at once ; my moms death, birth of my daughter followed by my husband losing his job only a couple months later, I can still survive. It seemed as if it was all too much! There were days when I didn’t want to leave the house or if I was at work, I wanted to hide under my desk. But this was the time that Hashem was telling me to look towards Him and internally to see that I can indeed come out on the other side stronger with a deeper appreciation for Him and a deeper confidence in myself.

We are less than 24 hours away from Rosh Hashana. A new year. I’m not making any resolutions. I will take all that comes my way and learn how to deal with it and how to get through it to be fully there for my family and friends.

Did I know last year that I would be worked to the point of exhaustion, mentally and psychologically abused by bosses and after 10 months be let go? And then the fun was just getting ready to begin! It was all predestined at Rosh Hashana, what the year would bring. The termination and the free fall after how I was terminated. The fallout from it had me feeling out of control for close to a month! The only reason I’d get out of bed in the morning was for my family. When I wanted to shut out the world, sleep all day and wallow in my pain I was literally forced from bed. My kids needed a mom who had to get them up, dressed and out in the morning with a big and a kiss and my husband needed a wife who had things somewhat under control, who took a shower a couple of times a week, took care of the kids and house and who was able to support him when needed.

I’m not Superwoman or Mighty Mouse. I needed to call upon a strength that I DID NOT HAVE in order for my family to continue. I had no right to scare my 5 and 2 year old by staying in bed all day, avoiding them… because “Mommy’s boss said don’t come back.” It was more than that. My insides were turned upside down. I felt that I let everyone down by getting fired and being unable to find another job within 2, 3 and then 4 weeks. I felt like I had taken the dreams my husband had of moving out of our little apartment to a house and put them so far back on the back burner that they’d freeze. Words kept repeating over and over in my head like a bad movie… I needed to stop all of this. Even if I did not find a job for another six months (gasp!) I would not let this define me and take me down the dark depressing route that it could very easily do.

My “beautiful soul” mantras weren’t working for this new phase of life. So I found new ones, “Nothing worthwhile is easy.” “I can do it, even if it’s hard!”“DO. NOT. GIVE. UP!” I changed my mantras with the changes in my life. I now forced myself to run a daily errand, to get out of the house after the kids were in camp/ school. I forced myself to pick up the phone and call a friend asking how they are doing and focusing on them!! I forced myself to wear nice clothes and apply makeup everyday. And soon, I didn’t have to force myself to do any of it. It started to become part of my routine. I started to come out on the other side of the hole I had fallen into. I began to find out who I was and what I was made of when I did not have a title behind me or an organization backing me. Once again I was the original me, David and Phyllis’s daughter, someone I had lost while building a career. But I was still there bc if I wasn’t me, how could I have gotten through all I have been through and still have my smile on my face!
Unfortunately it took this incident to remind me of who I was and that with Hashems help I am the one to decide how I feel and who I am.

So as I said, Rosh Hashana is here. And no matter what is in store for you, be it good or bad, it’s all from Hashem. Hashem would never want us to sink. He has given us the tools (all we have experienced throughout our life) to swim. Swim at the moment where others expect us to drown. And swim like Michael Phelps. “You thought you stopped me in my tracks with what you did/ said. This is just a mis step. Watch when I get back on track and I’m stronger and brighter than ever!” In the new year, take that positive attitude and your belief in Hashem and show the world, no matter what is thrown your way, you have your eye on the prize; SUCCESS. It may now take a little longer to get there, but you will. Just take the first step with Hashem and with your right foot. Hashem will never lead you astray, desert you or give you what you can’t handle. Just refocus, regroup and continue on your way.

I may have been out for a week or two, but this doer has always been doing. My articles have garnered prominent page space. I’ve received positive feedback from all corners and I know that I have to go through all of this as part of Hashem’s grand plan. And wherever he takes me, I’ll be stronger and brighter for what I am experiencing now.

Keep Standing Tall.

Chasiva v’chasima tova.

M.C Phillips